I Forgive My Self For Those Horrible Days
One of the most difficult times in my motherhood is having a conversation with another mommies, umm, I don't know whether they are having postpartum depression or other mental disorders because they seemed very happy. They talked about how their babbies grow, when the first time they could stand on their feet, could walk, etc. And finally come their question, "how about Hana, Yana, how did your enjoy your motherhood during Hana's first year?". Wow, it was a very hard question, what should I answer them, should I say, "well, I had a postpartum depression with psychosis features in her first year", and then they will reply "what, are you crazy?, oh...you are not ungreatful, you donot believe in God, you are bla..and bla"..or I should telling lies?
And I choosed to answer another statment like this " well, my life was a nightmare after my son's death, and it was not easy anymore, I had a difficult pregnancy and felt so sad for 2 years, but now, everything is better". My friends then said, "I know Yana, do not give up"
Telling people in a real life is more challenging for me than in a facebook and twitter, I may not speak "Hei, I had PPD with psychosis features" I have told my family that I may have more than baby blues and they thought that I was possesed by an evil. I will tell them later, if I am ready, I won't hide it forever, it is very difficult to speak clearly about it, they just have not understood yet about my mental disorders, they do not hate me, they need to be educated well. But I have my husband in my side, he knows everything with me and he accepted my depression. He understands that losing our son is never easy for both of us, never. Everything has changed. But everyday we always keeps a hope.
Not only about those hard questions, but also about my guilty feeling when I started to compare my motherhood with my friend's and relative's. The big one. And usually I would punish, judge, kick, or hate my ownself for not being a capable, good and happy mom for Hana's first year. It made my PPD worst.
I went to the therapist and psychologist for healing my guilty. My therapist said " Yana, you need to forgive your self, you need to forgive anyone who has hurted you for your own good, for Hana and your husband"
How come I forgive my self for what happened?, I lost my baby, I lost my happiness, I could not be a good mama for Hana in her first year. I was unforgiveable. I lost everything in Postpartum Depression, I wanted my memory back, the good ones not the bad ones, I could not remember clearly when Hana crawled.
One day my friend in facebook told me something that made me cried a lot, he said " A mother who ended her children's life in 2008, Indonesia, has been diagnosed with postpartum psychosis, finally went out from mental rehabilitation hospital, and she realized what she has done, she tried to forgive her self, you know, she has regreted this for her entire lives, but she survived.
I am not trying to compare my self to her, but she has opened my eyes one thing, "you just need to through this, let it go and forgive your self". Live in your present momment and leave your past, you could do nothing with it, you could not change your past. After that, I decided and allow my self to be healed by my therapist and psychologist. step by step, I could love my self anymore and put down my perfectionism.
Every morning while I am opening my window, I sit down in my terrace, I say to myself softly
"I forgive myself for my son's death" (take a deep breath)
"I love him in a peace"(take a deep breath)
"I forgive myself for having PPD and PPP" (take a deep braeth)
"I forgive myself for not breastfed my baby exclusively for 6 months"(take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for giving birth Hana by caesarean operation" (take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for my fat body" (take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for not enjoying Hana's first year" (take a deep birth)
" I forgive myself for not being perfect" (take a deep breath)
" I accept myself as a human who can make a mistake" ( take a deep breath)
" I love my self"
etc..
I said to Hana and her daddy " let's we try it again today and tomorrow, it is never too late"
What made me so happy is Hana doesnot hate me, she loves me, she is a forgiving child, she may not talk too much to me, but she accept me as her mom, her best mom in the world, I apologize everyday to her and she kissed me, it looks like she says "it okay mama, people makes mistakes and so do you, can we try it again, mama?".
Ya, Hana, we are going to fix it together, and here Iam, I survive for you and never run away again from this world, never, thanks for giving me this chance, little Hana, mommy loves you so much.
--Forgiveness is a journey for me, not a destination..so that Iam trying everyday, and Iam getting better eventhough I am struggling--
And I choosed to answer another statment like this " well, my life was a nightmare after my son's death, and it was not easy anymore, I had a difficult pregnancy and felt so sad for 2 years, but now, everything is better". My friends then said, "I know Yana, do not give up"
Telling people in a real life is more challenging for me than in a facebook and twitter, I may not speak "Hei, I had PPD with psychosis features" I have told my family that I may have more than baby blues and they thought that I was possesed by an evil. I will tell them later, if I am ready, I won't hide it forever, it is very difficult to speak clearly about it, they just have not understood yet about my mental disorders, they do not hate me, they need to be educated well. But I have my husband in my side, he knows everything with me and he accepted my depression. He understands that losing our son is never easy for both of us, never. Everything has changed. But everyday we always keeps a hope.
Not only about those hard questions, but also about my guilty feeling when I started to compare my motherhood with my friend's and relative's. The big one. And usually I would punish, judge, kick, or hate my ownself for not being a capable, good and happy mom for Hana's first year. It made my PPD worst.
I went to the therapist and psychologist for healing my guilty. My therapist said " Yana, you need to forgive your self, you need to forgive anyone who has hurted you for your own good, for Hana and your husband"
How come I forgive my self for what happened?, I lost my baby, I lost my happiness, I could not be a good mama for Hana in her first year. I was unforgiveable. I lost everything in Postpartum Depression, I wanted my memory back, the good ones not the bad ones, I could not remember clearly when Hana crawled.
One day my friend in facebook told me something that made me cried a lot, he said " A mother who ended her children's life in 2008, Indonesia, has been diagnosed with postpartum psychosis, finally went out from mental rehabilitation hospital, and she realized what she has done, she tried to forgive her self, you know, she has regreted this for her entire lives, but she survived.
I am not trying to compare my self to her, but she has opened my eyes one thing, "you just need to through this, let it go and forgive your self". Live in your present momment and leave your past, you could do nothing with it, you could not change your past. After that, I decided and allow my self to be healed by my therapist and psychologist. step by step, I could love my self anymore and put down my perfectionism.
Every morning while I am opening my window, I sit down in my terrace, I say to myself softly
"I forgive myself for my son's death" (take a deep breath)
"I love him in a peace"(take a deep breath)
"I forgive myself for having PPD and PPP" (take a deep braeth)
"I forgive myself for not breastfed my baby exclusively for 6 months"(take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for giving birth Hana by caesarean operation" (take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for my fat body" (take a deep breath)
" I forgive myself for not enjoying Hana's first year" (take a deep birth)
" I forgive myself for not being perfect" (take a deep breath)
" I accept myself as a human who can make a mistake" ( take a deep breath)
" I love my self"
etc..
I said to Hana and her daddy " let's we try it again today and tomorrow, it is never too late"
What made me so happy is Hana doesnot hate me, she loves me, she is a forgiving child, she may not talk too much to me, but she accept me as her mom, her best mom in the world, I apologize everyday to her and she kissed me, it looks like she says "it okay mama, people makes mistakes and so do you, can we try it again, mama?".
Ya, Hana, we are going to fix it together, and here Iam, I survive for you and never run away again from this world, never, thanks for giving me this chance, little Hana, mommy loves you so much.
--Forgiveness is a journey for me, not a destination..so that Iam trying everyday, and Iam getting better eventhough I am struggling--
I will remember Hana first year by a photo album, it is okay
